The Internet is bursting with advice on how to best raise our children. Who can you trust for wisdom and guidance?
The experts are always a great place to start. Leaders in the parenting sphere tend to be extremely reliable sources of information. You can learn a lot from other parents who you respect, too. These people have ‘been in the trenches’ and can offer you their real-world experience and ideas.
But one excellent source you can always depend on, is that of science.
Researchers who dedicate their lives to studying parenting, child development, and personal success are a trusted resource that have the hard data and science to back them up. These scientists have measured everything from the impacts of parenting styles to the influence of music, sport, and other activities on our kids.
Let’s turn to these experts now to find out exactly how parents can raise successful children. Evidence shows that there are 7 key things parents can do.
Encourage them to explore outside their comfort zone
It’s vital for children to develop a sense of their own independence. Much of this derives from learning to take risks and experience the consequences. In other words, in a safe and structured way, it’s important to let children try new things, and maybe even fail. You can be there to support and protect them as they do.
Australian mum Anna Garcia parents in just this way. “I want to encourage them to know that it's okay to fall and they're not always going to hurt themselves, and they know that I'm there and that I'll help them if they need that help but I want to encourage them to try and do things on their own,” she shared in this interview.
Mrs. Garcia and her husband regularly coax their kids to give things a try, whether it be climbing a bit higher on the playground or sampling a new food. They feel it is good for children to be pushed outside of their comfort zone, without their parents constantly hovering over their shoulder. This instills independence and a can-do attitude, and allows for the crucial making of mistakes.
The Garcias are not the only parents to utilise this approach. Many others are adopting what psychologists refer to as Challenging Parenting Behaviour (CPB). A recent study was performed by the Macquarie University's Centre for Emotional Health, the University of Amsterdam, and the University of Reading, surveying parents of preschool-aged children in both Australia and the Netherlands. The study produced interesting results. Children who were parented using the Challenging Behaviour approach demonstrated reduced indications toward anxiety. These parents urged their children to frequently take part in safe risk-taking behaviours, and regularly participated with them in a ‘rough and tumble’ style of play. It seems that girls were enjoying this active recreation as much as the boys, too. This gentle encouragement, said Professor Jennifer Hudson, a co-author of the study, “could be helping to reduce their child's risk of developing an anxiety disorder." This is notable, as nearly 14% of young Australians (4-17) experience a mental health disorder.
Want to raise confident, well-adjusted children? Allowing them to explore and be a bit fearless could make a major difference.
Children who develop independence and confidence grow into successful adults.
Step back from ‘helicopter parenting’
The opposite of the Challenging Parenting Behaviour approach is a style known as ‘helicopter parenting.’ Helicopter parenting refers to mothers and fathers who tend to ‘hover’ around their children, remaining intensely attentive to their every move. Some of these parents may be overprotective, limiting their children’s opportunities or controlling their environment. Other kids might be allowed to participate in their chosen activities, for instance, but the helicopter parent is often right behind them, helping them get ready, offering excessive advice, and standing ready to step in to help if any problems arise. This type of micromanagement towards a child can have adverse effects, with research suggesting such close parental control or a rigid, structured environment can actually promote the development of anxiety in kids. This breed of overparenting can stymie happiness, too, other studies show.
While you don’t necessarily need to assume a CPB attitude, experts indicate that it’s wise not to become full on helicopter mum or dad. It’s important to step back and give your children some space to do things on their own, even if they experience failure. This can be a challenge for many parents. Especially when children seem to be struggling, the empathetic parent often wants to step in and fix things, solving a problem or taking over. But research shows that it is often much more beneficial to allow children to figure things out for themselves.
A study of mothers and children from ages 9-13 utilised puzzles to research the parent-child interactions. Of the children involved, some had Social Anxiety Disorder, while others did not. The research provided puzzles to these kids who were instructed to complete them. There was no encouragement for the parents to assist, but they were told it was permitted. As the study progressed, it was seen that the mothers of those with Social Anxiety Disorder were far more likely to assist their children to complete the puzzles, touching them regularly or simply “participating” more. This assistance occurred even if the children didn’t indicate any significant signs of distress or helplessness. The parents of those without the disorder appeared to have a more “hands off” style.
Julie Lythcott-Haims is author of the book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. She has spoken frequently on the dangers of helicopter parenting. Not only can this approach to parenting contribute to anxiety, it can also foster dependence and curtail dreams. One of the issues Lythcott-Haims has observed is the way that modern-day parents chase success for their kids. An overemphasis on achievements is often a problem. Parents can become fixated with getting their children into the right schools or universities, or, as they enter adulthood, submitting job applications secretly on their behalf. These behaviours create an inflexible path for children, and prevent them from discovering and setting their own goals, hopes, and desires.
“We speak of dreams as boundless, limitless realms, but in reality often we create parameters, conditions and limits within which our kids are permitted to dream — with a checklisted childhood as the path to achievement,” Lythcott-Haims writes.
It’s more than just enabling dreams, too. Hard work is part of this growth, and parents are encouraged to have their children do chores. This equips them with the ability to handle tasks independently, which also makes them better future employees. The path to success to seems to include a healthy balance of work, play, and, most of all, independence.
Read with your kids
Raising successful children goes beyond parenting styles. It really is the little things that can make a big difference for your kids. Over the years, plenty of research has been done which shows the undeniable benefits of reading.
Just a few of those benefits include:
- Increased levels of brain activity
- Improved language development
- An enhanced vocabulary
- Bonding between parents and children
- Building a love of reading
The numbers help to tell this story. According to research by the United States’ National Center for Education Statistics, kids aged three to five who are read to frequently better exhibit certain skills. Of those read to frequently, 60% were able to count to 20. For those who were not read to frequently, only 44% could do so. Similar ratios were seen in the ability to write their own names (54% vs. 40%) and read or pretend to read (77% vs. 57%).
Liza Baker, of Scholastic, says that you should read with your kids “from Day One.” But it’s important to keep the practice going, especially when children can begin to participate in the reading themselves. The key is really to involve your kids in the reading process, focusing on the words, speaking them aloud, and making reading a regular priority---and a joy---in your home.
Frequent reading also exposes children to a variety of ideas, concepts, and can help them better encounter diversity. It’s advisable to read your children books from a range of sources and make a special effort to include those that are written by people of different backgrounds. Even from a young age, this can give your child a deeper understanding of our vast planet and its people.
Study after study shows that reading is massively important for kids. Reading together is the best approach!
Help them to develop self-discipline
Self-discipline can be a valuable trait in all of us. Are you instilling it in your children?
According to this article, “kids who learn self-discipline will be better equipped to face life's challenges, manage stress, and make healthy choices even when [adults are] not around.” These are all excellent characteristics that will empower kids to be their best selves.
Self-discipline is all about developing habits. Instruct your children to build healthy habits starting in their early years. When they are very young, self-control might focus on not interrupting adult conversations or learning how to manage intense emotions. As they grow, lessons could extend to getting homework done before pursuing a chosen leisure activity, deciding to limit their own intake of sweets, or completing regular chores. Not only will these habits assist your child to be more in control of their feelings and behaviours as children, but will translate into a better grasp of adult concerns in the future. Those who have work towards self-discipline in their developmental years find they are better with managing money, less prone to compulsive behaviours, and more able to stick to difficult challenges.
Instill them with social skills and emotional intelligence
Social skills are another factor that parents should emphasise. Children who grow up being able to communicate easily with peers, resolve problems, and understand their own feelings, are more likely to demonstrate success as a adults. More specifically, these individuals are more likely to earn a college degree as well as be in full-time work by the age of 25. This data comes from a study between Pennsylvania State University and Duke University, which tracked more than 700 American children over 20 years from kindergarten onward.
It’s never too early to learn positive social skills.
It starts with basic social interactions. Kids should learn how to listen, follow instructions, hold a conversation, get along with others, stay calm when with others, be responsible for their own behaviour, and be kind. They must also work on emotional intelligence, which involves understanding and learning to express and harness their emotions. These abilities are crucial for every area of life, and developing them from youth can make a big difference in an individual’s overall success and even their happiness. These skills, and related ones, enable kids to create friendships with other children and teach them how to solve problems together. Discovering how to resolve conflicts and be a good friend: there are foundational skills every child should develop.
Emotional intelligence and social skills go hand-in-hand. How can you help your children with these concepts? Here’s a few ideas from the experts:
- Model proper social skills
Emotional intelligence starts at home. If your kids observe you modelling the appropriate interpersonal behaviours, they’ll begin to imitate and emulate them. Involve your kids in your own conversations, and teach them on how to initiate conversations, wait their turn, and listen to others.
- Provide opportunities for kids to practice their social skills
Before they head off to school, “playdates” can be a great way for kids to gain some social experience. Right from the start, these interactions can help them learn to share, control their own emotions, and empathise with others.
- Teach empathy
One crucial element of emotional intelligence is empathy. To react appropriately in situations, kids should be taught to consider the feelings of others. If a conflict occurs in your home, spend some time afterwards discussing what everyone was feeling. This can be illuminating for the children in the household (and for the adults as well!) and can help foster cooperation and respect. Empathy is another great excuse to read together with your kids, too. Authors ofThe Danish Way of Parenting, Jessica Alexander and Iben Sandahl (a psychotherapist) say that “reading about all emotions increases a child’s ability to empathize.”
Introduce them to music & maths
Music has been demonstrated repeatedly to increase intelligence. It also strengthens stamina, contributes to better health, and impacts many other areas. Dr. Richard Letts, executive director of the Music Council of Australia says, “the earlier a child ... comes to grips with music, the more the brain growth will be influenced. It sets them up for life." Music study influences academic performance in science, arts, and language, and is also directly linked to success in maths. The understanding of concepts such as rhythm and pitch show significant correlation with better work in the realm of mathematics.
You might choose to enrol your children in music lessons, particularly if they show a special interest. Alongside the brain gains, studying piano, flute, or another instrument aids in improving discipline and focus. Even if your kids don’t take music lessons, you can still make music a major part of your lives, listening to it as a family, encouraging them to sing or tap a beat in time with the tune.
Give them a boost towards mathematics, too. A 2007 analysis of 35,000 preschoolers in the US, Canada, and England showed that building mathematics skills early in life can generate significant positive results. Many experts say that this is just as important as developing early literacy skills. Northwestern University researcher Greg Duncan reported: "Mastery of early math skills predicts not only future math achievement, it also predicts future reading achievement." Another study indicated that students who performed well in math at a young age would grow up to display enhanced leadership skills.
Introducing maths to very young children is quite straightforward. Simple play such as stacking blocks, creating patterns, sorting, or counting begins to grow these skills. Education experts say to “make maths fun”, and they are right! When kids can understand the practical applications of mathematics in their lives, it becomes more real and valuable to them.
Skills in music are amazing for the growing brain!
Demonstrate healthy relationships of your own
It may come as no surprise that children tend to assume the behaviours of the adults in their lives. Parents lead the way when teaching their kids how to act and behave, and their offspring generally mimic what they see. Do you think this is the case in your family? Some parents often forget that their own actions can be so influential. Children will model their own lives after what they observe in their parents. Whenever possible, it is important both to demonstrate healthy loving relationships and to pursue them for your own sake.
For kids to be most successful in life, having real examples at home of conflict resolution, compromise, and teamwork can be groundbreaking. When you demonstrate these characteristics, your children see how humans should interact and how problems are solved. Hopefully, they also see what it means to love and to forgive. This is important among family members but also between parents themselves.
Many experts agree it is essential for parents to make their marriage a priority. Not only does this help provide children with a model for their own future relationships, but a happy marriage influences all other aspects of family life as well. Marital discord can bring along with it significant problems for kids. This study revealed that children whose parents have serious marital conflicts show decreased academic performance, have a higher incidence of emotional problems, and are more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol.
Do you agree with the experts? What do you think helps parents raise successful children?